Things You Will Never Hear Me Say
“God has a plan for everyone.”
“Pray for me.”
“I’ll pray for you.”
“I am not afraid to die.”
“I love how I look”
“I have no regrets.”
“I don’t miss anyone.”
“Time moves too slowly.”
Heidi Montag: What is it, and Why is it Here
Oh god. There are many aspects to celebrity culture that freak my shit out but none more than Heidi Montag. The first thing I ever knew about her was that I couldn’t stand her. It’s not even worth my time to explain why because my goal was to make it through a day of interneting without reading any story about her, the self-made fake celebrity that she is. But — after she did this to herself:
It became my business. Why? Because can you believe we live in a world where women spend lots of money and go under the knife to look like this? What could be more horrifying? Well, okay, so lots of things: child abuse, school bullying, mass murder, rape, torture, sending soldiers off to die for an unjust and pointless war. Yes, lots and lots of tragedies emerge every second of every day. Heidi Montag is not a tragedy, particularly, but she is an example of the hideous excess of our culture.
I mean, really? Nothing else to do with your life than have someone puff up your tits to look like balloon animals and then have someone carve out your face to give you a more genetically appealing look? Really? To what end, Heidi Montag? So that people will hire you to go stand in a bikini at their events? There isn’t a way this story could end happily.
I want to live in a world again where it is frowned upon to do oneself this way. It used to be so. Stripper, whore and pimp culture did not used to be so widely accepted. Stripper poles did not used to be an exercise regime.
Look, as you know from reading my stuff, you three people who do, I believe firmly that sex culture is a good thing, especially for men, but for women to. When you deny it, weird shit starts to happen. Ugly flowers bloom in unnatural gardens. But this. This. Is. Wrong. What Heidi Montag has done is sad. There is no other word for it.
My Tooth Hurts
I noticed that a part of my tooth had chipped off a few weeks ago. It started as a kind of uncomfortable space between my molars but I thought, I’ll just go get a crown. Or else I thought, this is going to stop feeling annoying eventually. But I waited too long and now I have tooth pain. I have inflammation. I am now probably going to have to have a root canal. And then a crown. We’re talking something like $1600 when all is said and done. Talk about an unexpected expense.
I have been planning a trip to the Cannes Film Festival, you see. And so I really needed to pinch pennies. But of course, life is what happens to us while we’re busy making other plans. Thank you, John Lennon. I go in for an assessment with a root canal specialist on Monday. Until then, it’s anti-biotics.
I tell you this, though. If this were the olden times and no one really cared how many teeth you had – I swear – I’d grab a pair of pliers and some whiskey and I would yank it out myself. It hurts. And I think all of that money may or may not worth keeping this tooth.
I’ll probably have to shell out the dough. I’m annoyed. All’s I’m saying. The video above is courtesy if my friend Bill who likes to see me writhe in agony and fear. Marathon Man kind of cornered the market on dental pain as torture device.
Now, where did I put that bottle of Rye?
Raise Your Hand if You Love Mormons
I really have to confess my adoration for Mormons. This is probably due to HBO’s Big Love, which is one of the best and weirdest shows on TV. It really makes, I think, a good case for multiple marriages. It really seems to make a lot of sense when you think about it. Everybody wins. Isn’t it kind of a weird concept, this one man one woman thing? Anyway, PBS recently aired The Mormons, an in-depth look at their wacky history. Religion remains a fascinating thing to me. Show me a religious zealot and I’ll show you a sexual pervert. It is so often the case. Male sexuality – human sexuality – cannot be denied. This is a fact.
So when our nature erupts our faith we can lie and deny or we can bend the rules. Joseph Smith decided to bend the rules. God told him to. And when God speaks…one is best advised to listen. I feel lucky that I am not thusly conflicted. Of course, I will never have that celestial heaven either. And I believe I go nowhere and that nothing happens when I die. That is just how empty the bottom of my soul really is.
The FLDS is really horrifying in all ways. It is not the happy polygamous family with Bill and his three wives on Big Love – it is uneducated, sad little girls being married off to icky old men. It’s just rife with corruption and abuse.
Anyway, if you find yourself fascinated, check it out.
Rielle Hunter Headed to Oprah
This is the most exciting news. All Rielle Hunter needs is a television camera and a microphone and all will be revealed. She is the most entertaining of the whole John Edwards clusterfuck and thank god she’s getting Oprah time.
Rielle Hunter, the former mistress of two-time Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards, is scheduled to make a high-profile appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show in May according to the National Enquirer, The Wall Street Journal’s Washington Wire blog reported Tuesday.
It is an exclusive interview and the first television appearance for Hunter, who is the mother of a two-year old daughter fathered by Edwards.
The Enquirer reports that the interview will take place in Hunter’s Charlotte, N.C., home, and that while Hunter mulled offers from both Barbara Walters and Diane Sawyer-Oprah won out in the end.
Good choice, Rielle – the BEST choice. Oprah will let you talk. And moreover, it can be all about the spiritual gobbledeegook — Oprah is one journalist who never gets into any trouble for saying things like, “it’s all about God.”
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About Me
I spend way too much thinking about me.
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