Musings and Mirth

About Me

I spend way too much thinking about me. This is the blank space where that paragraph should be.

Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

Oh Lindsay. Except for the beauty, fame and fortune I was you. I remember being so young and confused. I had bulimia and I’m guessing that’s what your Nexium prescription is all about. I was depressed and I’m guessing that’s what your Zoloft and god knows what all prescription is about. You are going to kill yourself if you continue this way. Why doctors are allowing celebrities to double and triple dip on their meds even after Heath Ledger is a mystery to me. But if you want the drugs you can get the drugs. You should not be on any drugs. Underneath all of that hair dye and freckles, you are a normal young woman.

Your mistake right now is in thinking you are the victim. How dare you compare your situation to human rights abuses around the world, though. This is something you might feel deep shame about later in life and you should feel deep shame about. You are a spoiled, entitled, badly managed celebrity. And you are the one the public wants to see take a fall. When the beast has the taste of blood it will be relentless until you either die or fail so miserably at your career you end up shaving your head and hitting an SUV with a baseball bat.

1. Quit all of the drugs. You do not need them. What you need is some peace and quiet. Can you get it? Maybe if you sober up, do lots of yoga and start reading actual books and talk to a therapist, one who won’t stuff you full of drugs. You are a drug addict. A textbook drug addict at that. You are someone who is only not using now because you have been forced to stop. Once they get off of your back you will go right back down that road again. This will kill you and it isn’t going to make the public love you the way they did Marilyn Monroe. You are not Marilyn – and thank god for that, right?

2. Go to College. That’s right. Enroll in a university and learn a thing or two so you won’t be such a dumbass. Being a pretty celebrity is not a good long term plan. It doesn’t last and you are past your sell-by date. You’re not even thirty but you look forty. Moreover, the public isn’t going to give you a break – no matter how good your performances are. Go to college. Get an awareness of the bigger picture. Partying with assholes is only going to get you so far.

3. Lose the luggage. The hangers-on are the worst of the worst. They are there only to tell you what you want to hear. Your mother loves you but she is too willing to see you as the victim and not make you accountable for your actions. Perhaps because she feels guilty for selling her daughters to fame. Or maybe she feels guilty for some other reason. But right now, she is not a healthy influence on you. Get clean and free of the people who make excuses for you.

4. Stop dyeing your hair blonde and puffing up your lips. You are too young and too pretty to start destroying yourself. No one looks at you and thinks, “wow, she’s so hot.” They look at you and they think, “god, how sad.” Get a grip or you’ll be headed for porn.

5. Stop the sleazy photo shoots and sleazy movies. This is not helping your career. You think this is the way to go because, maybe, you get more attention this way. You are getting the wrong attention. You are getting attention from people who have no loyalty. They will turn on you the second someone else walks by who is hotter. And there are hundreds of them, Lindsay. Hundreds. Think: what do you have to offer the world that is unique? You can act well. That’s pretty much it. Fill up your soul and your mind.

Or die.

It’s your choice. But trying to wriggle out of this jail sentence because “it’s NOT FAIR!” is just going to land you in much more trouble. Accept that you took advantage of the courts (who were already being too nice, in my opinion), suck it up and deal. You are not the center of the universe and no one cares if you whine or cry. As I said, the public is invested in seeing you fall.

Eating Humble Pie

Welp, I have to eat humble pie. Since my iPhone 3gs was under warranty, Apple simply replaced my unit with one that runs 3.13 software rather than the 4.0. Really cool. NEW iPhone too. So I have to say, they were very cool to deal with it.

And now it makes me want to buy the iPhone 4.

Let’s See if Apple Will Do the Right Thing

My iPhone is still under warranty.

It was rendered useless after I installed the 4.0 firmware update, the OS4. It crashes continually, even with a clean install, even after two hard resets, even with no apps installed – it crashes.

I happened to be in the Apple store yesterday and heard a sales clerk talking to a customer and he was dismissing any charges that the update was bunk (a couple of people wrote me to tell me they had NO problems with the update as well). And I told him that the update was flawed and that it did cause significant problems with my iPhone and many many others on the Apple support board.

“Oh,” he said dismissively, “they’re always upset about something.”

“But it IS a problem,” I snapped.

And it flashed before me, the exact kind of “you’re a lunatic” look that Apple clerks continually give. Because god forbid the problem should be with Apple. The problem is with YOU.

Will report back my experience from today’s appt.

F&ck You, Apple

I mean really, fuck you. After the many years of devotion to you, after defending you in countless arguments with PC lovers, after spending at least $1,000 more with each purchase than I would for a comparable machine – FUCK YOU.

I bought the iPhone 3GS less than a year ago. I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I never went anywhere without it. It worked BEAUTIFULLY. I dropped it a few times and it still works. I have relied upon it every day for the past year. But then Apple sends out a firmware update with OS4 software designed for iPhone 4. And it totally screws up my iPhone. Now it doesn’t work. It crashes constantly and it can’t handle the upgraded firmware in the slightest. Wouldn’t it have been nice if Apple had tested this better before sending it out to many of us loyal customers?

So now, they’re hoping everyone will buy their iPhone 4 and that we 3GS customers are a thing of the past. Really? I’m supposed to shell out $400 for a new fucking iPhone when my old one isn’t even a year old?!

I know that when I walk into the Apple store and tell them my problem they will just give me that confused look. Plenty of customers, they will say, are having no problems whatsoever with the iPhone firmware update. What is YOUR problem, lady? And why don’t you have a new iPhone anyway?

I’m really going to spend $400 on a phone that already has many problems with its reception? My iPhone 3GS was great! It was perfect. It worked beautifully.

But here’s the kicker: Apple will block your restore if you try to downgrade to the former version of the firmware. The only way to do it, I guess, is to void my warranty and jailbreak it to get the old software on there.

So I just wanted to say, for the first time I’m going to be looking at my options and maybe saying a final FUCK YOU to Apple. Perhaps it’s time to stop being such a mindless follower.

But I love my iPhone. I really really do.

Letter to My Twenty Year Old Self

I found this story via a good friend on Facebook. Cassie Boorn sent out calls to older women to write letters to their twenty year old selves. Some highlights were then posted on Mental Floss:

  • “Speaking of money, way to not have a credit card yet, that is a good move. Although, seriously: you have no concept of managing money in any kind of real way. That’s going to suck in a few years when you do get a credit card, and aren’t as good as you should be about paying off the balance.”
  • “You look like a damn model. Enjoy that concave stomach and stop being self-conscious about your body.”
  • “As for prince charming, thanks for believing that he exists. When you meet him, don’t be surprised if he doesn’t appear to be much more than a friend at first.”
  • “You didn’t develop your character because you did everything right. As that rickety old woman told once you,flowers grow in the valley, not the mountaintop. And you have to walk through the valley to get back up there.”

All of them, pearls of wisdom, my friends. I have so much to say to my 20 year-old self. I realized, though, that saying it is one thing. Hearing it at 20 is a whole different thing. Imagine, for instance, what Lindsay Lohan has been hearing from people, and how she’ll look back on her 20s. What we don’t realize as young women is that there is time ahead for the things we seem to want now. We also don’t appreciate what we have. So I wanted to write a letter to see what would come out, knowing that I probably wouldn’t have listened back then. Because, you know, we all knew everything already, right?

Here is a pic of me around that age:

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