Liz Cheney Makes War, not Love

Satire/Parody

Late at night, I thought about my speech as I tossed and turned in bed. I didn’t give the speech I wanted to give. I gave the speech a PRESIDENT WOULD GIVE. This is MY rendezvous with destiny. My calling. My shot.

I am not throwing away my shot.

Who is the only Republican the media likes? ME. No one else can navigate between the elites and the little people of Wyoming. ME.

Trump destroyed Jeb! Like he destroyed Hillary. Like he destroyed Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Little Marco. But he’s finally met his match.

Cheney/Clinton 2024?
Clinton/Cheney? 2024
Cheney/Kinzinger 2024?
Cheney/Crenshaw 2024?
Cheney/AOC 2024?

To the people of Wyoming who just kicked me out of Dodge:

A few years ago, I won this primary with 73 percent of the vote. I could easily have done the same again. The path was clear, but it would have required that I pay attention to the people of Wyoming. I could not do that because I was booked every single day and night on Maddow, Joe and Mika, Don Lemon, NBC News. You have no idea what goes into television appearances. The time in the makeup chair alone. I had to hire a stylist by now. And then those Prime Time hearings. My face five million miles wide required I keep a makeup artist ON STAFF. Who had time to talk to people who weren’t even watching the hearings? That was a path I could not and would not take.

No House seat, no office in this land is more important than getting all of the headlines at the New York Times. Do you know what it’s like to be this rich, this educated, this intelligent, and secretly powerful and still be treated like human garbage by blue-check Twitter and the New York Times? Do you know how long the Cheney family has been waiting to clear Dad’s name? It’s all on my shoulders. Save the Republic, Liz. Save Dad’s legacy, Liz. Save Jeb!’s legacy, Liz. Save all the Bushes, all the Clintons. Keep the dynastic empire intact. Does anyone think that is easy?

I well understood the potential political consequences of abdicating my responsibilities representing Wyoming to chase Trump nonstop for a THIRD impeachment that my Republican colleagues in the Senate refused to do! Our power relies upon the goodwill of all media just to get elected.

And tonight, Harriet Hageman spent all her time talking to people in Wyoming instead of going on MSNBC because Maddow rejected her. Do you think there’s any chance the NY Times would say a single nice thing about her? No way, man. NO CHANCE. So she wasted her time talking to actual voters. A fool! She obviously doesn’t want to run for POTUS.

She has received the most votes in this primary. She won. I called her to concede the race. This primary election is over but now the real work begins. Thing is, only Fox interviewed her. She is a nobody. Not political royalty. Do you think I would have been the primetime television star if I wasn’t a Cheney? That sells. A Cheney going after Trump! A Cheney on Page One of the Grey Lady! A Cheney, America’s Sweetheart of the Left! She won the battle. But I will win the WAR.

The great and original champion of our party, Abraham Lincoln, was defeated in elections for the Senate and the House before he won the most important election of all, and really can’t compare to my dad Dick. Does anyone out there think Lincoln was a bigger deal than Dick Cheney? Anyone? Our Democracy depends on how you answer that. Democracy is fragile. Saying Lincoln was better is a threat to our Republic. Lincoln ultimately prevailed, he saved our Union and he defined our obligation as Americans for all of history.

Speaking at Gettysburg of the great task remaining before us, Lincoln said, 'That we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. That this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom and a government of the people, by the people and for the people shall not perish from this earth.'

Lincoln is also quoted as saying:

We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.”

But that’s poppycock. Everyone knows the only way to save a Republic is to demonize half the country and tell the entire State of Wyoming that they exist inside the Trump cult. I mean, doesn’t anyone read Ron Perlman’s Twitter?

My dad knew the power of hate and division. Not Lincoln. I went with Lincoln cause the Lincoln Party wrote my speech. That was a little nudge nudge wink wink for their blue-check Twitter followers. I mean, I appreciate the help and all but jeez, their egos combined could power Las Vegas. It does go to your head, I will admit. All of that attention from the Specials. I resisted it for a while, but it feels good, especially if you’re a Cheney.

As we meet here tonight that remains our greatest and most important task, my presidential campaign.

Most of world history is a story of violent conflict of servitude and suffering. Most people in most places have not lived in freedom. Even though people in Wyoming are worried about inflation, jobs, and the New Woke Order, that only proves they’re cult members. Anyone whose top concern isn’t Trump and January 6th is risking the fate of the Republic in our fragile Democracy.

Our American freedom is a providential departure from history. We are the exception - and by “we” I don’t mean the millions who voted for Trump and still support his endorsed candidates - they’re human garbage election deniers, insurrectionist cult members. I mean WE, whose birthright gives them the authority to tell you what to think and do.

We have been given the gift of freedom by God and our founding fathers or my father, either way. It is said that the long arc of history bends toward justice and freedom. That's true, but only if we make it bend to those of us chosen to rule it.

Today, our highest duty is to bend the arc of history to preserve our ESTABLISHMENT and its blessings to ensure that freedom for our ESTABLISHMENT will not perish, to protect the very foundations of this ESTABLISHMENT.

Never in our nation's 246 years have we seen what we saw on January 6. Except for the Summer of 2020 — where the President had to be rushed to the bunker, where they tore down statues, where they attacked a US senator, where they burned whole cities to the ground in some places, where there were actual autonomous zones in cities like Seattle. People were shot. Businesses were destroyed. It changed everything about this country in almost every major industry. It led to an administration committed to re-imagining the founding principles of America. Out with “land of opportunity” and in with “land of equality of outcome.”

Just imagine if the whole thing was reversed if the Democrats had breached the Capitol to stop Trump from taking power, and one of them was shot point blank. Do you think this whole thing would have played out the same way? What if they held January 6th primetime extravaganza and held Kamala Harris, Chuck Schumer, and AOC accountable for the violence over the Summer? What if they called them “insurrectionists”? The whole country would be in the streets. Look, I know they’re all a bunch of hypocrites, but what can I do? I have no choice but to ride the wave of their temporary affection. That’s what the guys at the Lincoln Project keep telling me, and they would know! Placate, pander, outright lie if necessary, suck it up, swallow it down. Democracy is fragile.

Like so many Americans, I assumed that the violence of January 6th would have prompted a united response. Even though every single person in America, including Donald Trump, condemned the violence in a united response, saying so out loud would unite the country, and Trump might win. Not acceptable.

A tragic chapter in our nation's history, to be studied by historians to ensure that it can never happen again, as long as we get to pick the people who will write the story the way we want them to write it - I am the only hero here. Me and Adam K. Okay and fine, the Lincoln Project. Democracy is fragile.

But instead, major elements of my party still vehemently defend those who caused it. At the heart of the attack on January 6 was growing frustration among the citizenry at the unjust and unfair treatment of Trump, an outsider who was attacked every second he was in power. 2020 was a desperate year for everyone. No one could really keep their cool, especially with the FBI whispering in their ears. I mean, I know that. But Democracy is fragile.

That lawful elections reviewed by the courts when necessary, and certified by the states and Electoral College, determined who serves as president - Democracy is too fragile to withstand Democracy. No American citizen, no elected president who isn’t treated like the President, has a right to question anything. Otherwise, the people might start getting ideas that this is a government of the people, for the people, by the people.

Democracy is fragile, that’s why Team Biden spent $1 billion on that election. Hey I always supported Citizens United, and now you see why. Money, honey. Did you ever think the

You think those Trump supporters could come up with that kind of cash? NO WAY. The whole point of his campaign is to hand power back to the people. No dark money. No lobbyists. But those people ain’t rich. Not Jeff Bezos rich. Not Mark Zuckerberg or Jack Dorsey rich. NOT CHENEY RICH! But Democracy is fragile.

Democrats would be so fully on board with money in politics? They love the CIA and FBI. They’re totally fine with Iraq and all that. It’s Cheney time.

If we do not condemn the candidates who can reach the forgotten working class then what? THEN WHAT? We will be excusing this conduct, and it will become a feature of all elections. Far better to set a precedent that when we don’t like the guy, the people elected, we have the right to hound them, hunt them, persecute them, undermine them, discredit them, and lie about them for the entire time they’re in the office, and impeach them immediately over anything. Democracy is fragile but Democracy is also potentially a major threat. America will never be the same if there are people who challenge our power, our authority, and our grip on the American government.

Our nation is barreling, once again, towards crisis, lawlessness, and violence if my family does not extend its many decades-long grip on power. No American should support election deniers for any position of genuine responsibility where their refusal to follow the rule of law will corrupt our future. We like to use ‘election deniers’ because it continues to stigmatize, demonize and dehumanize Trump supporters. It doesn’t matter who they vote for when we are facing such an existential threat. Democracy can sometimes be THE problem, so we must destroy it to save it.

Our nation is young in the history of mankind, and yet we're the oldest democracy in the world. Our survival is not guaranteed. History has shown us over and over again how poisonous lies destroyed three nations. Saving ours means I have to step up to the plate. We can’t leave the country's fate to Trump or the Democrats. We’re already knee-deep in Marxism. Conservatives have a once-in-a-generation opportunity for a massive land grab if only the Trump people would get out of the way. This is the kind of thing Paul Ryan used to fantasize about at Boy Scouts. Cheney/Ryan?

Over the last several months, in the January 6 hearings, the American people have watched dozens of evidence I carefully selected to show how bad Trump is and how badly he bungled that day and never gave him a chance to defend himself or have anyone there to defend his actions.

As of last week, you must also believe that 30 career FBI agents didn’t have it in for Donald Trump for the four years he was in power, didn’t hear non-stop carping from Biden and probably Obama, not to mention Yours Truly, to find SOMETHING on Trump. I mean, who are you going to trust here, people?

We will continue to repeat that Donald Trump knew that voicing these conspiracies would provoke violence and threats of violence, even though his supporters were never violent and were often attacked by violent people. Even after he told them to march peacefully to the Capitol and always condemned political violence — none of that matters because truth doesn’t matter.

This happened on January 6, although I never really did an actual investigation of just what happened on the day. That wasn’t politically convenient. I learned this trick from my ol’ pops. If there are no weapons of mass destruction - we can conjure them. If you scare people enough, they’ll go along with it. But Democracy is fragile.

Remember when the Left thought Iraq was a big deal? Well, who’s crying now, people? Let’s all play nice nice with Dick’s daughter - and it’s all water under the bridge. All forgiven. Trump’s tweets were like a million times worse than Iraq.

And it's now happening again, or if it isn’t, we want it to. We are begging MAGA to go nuts - to get as violent as possible so we can throw the lot of them in detainment facilities and end the Trump nightmare for good. Take the bait, MAGA! You know FBI informants are collecting their thousands to push you towards it. Do it. Make my job easier. Let’s Reichstag Fire this whole situation. As I learned from the Dems, never let a crisis go to waste.

It is entirely foreseeable that the violence will escalate further because even if it doesn’t, we will continue to punish Trump supporters by dropping them from banks, dropping them from social media platforms, and shaming them for wanting better representation in DC. The worse we are to them every day, the more likely they will vote for us. We should never try to understand them or why they support Trump.

Yet WE continue purposely to feed the danger because it’s like Iraq. If you want to go to war you have to MAKE A WAR. Today, our federal law enforcement is being threatened, a federal judge is being threatened - and Kavanaugh almost got assassinated, but so what? Fresh threats of violence arise everywhere, my word should be good enough. No actual proof is necessary.

This is a fight for all of us, except only those who vote for the Bush/Cheney dynasty. I'm a conservative Republican. I believe deeply in the principles and the ideals on which my party was founded. I love its history. And I love what our party has stood for. But I love my country more. MY country, not yours. Mine. But Democracy is fragile.

So, I ask you tonight to join me. As we leave here, let us resolve that we will stand together—Republicans, Democrats, and independents—against those who would destroy our republic to turn on the working class Americans who support the only guy they trust. Let’s now turn on our fellow Americans, who don’t have much money or power. Let’s make sure they feel more scared, more abandoned, and more unwelcomed.

They are angry, and they are determined because their government and their country have mostly left them behind. But they have not seen anything like the power of the Americans united in defense of our Constitution and committed to the cause of freedom, and by freedom, I mean keeping people like me in power.

There is no greater power on this earth except the power of the people — the actual people - the ones I have never seen and do not know.

And with God's help, we will prevail and hand our government back to the ruling class who deserves to control it. Thank you all. God bless you. God bless Wyoming. God bless the United States of America. And most of all, bless CNN, MSNBC, NBC News, and the New. York Times, the Washington Post, Twitter — let’s not forget Twitter.