A Very Urgent Highly Classified Meeting with the President of the United States
A Satirical Play in One Act
Merrick Garland sips lemonade. He feels a familiar hand on his shoulder. He looks up. PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA approaches.
Garland
Well, hello, Mr. President. You’re looking fine.
PBO
Well, I’d be finer if Joe wasn’t sinking the presidency faster than the Titanic but hey.
Garland
Well, as you know, I take my job very seriously, and I can’t comment on the state of Joe Biden.
PBO
Well, I can. What a mess. We go to all that trouble to finally give him what he’s wanted for what, 40 or 50 years? And this is what he does with it?
Garland
As you know, I take my job very seriously, and I can’t comment on Joe Biden’s job. Or his age. Or whether he’s not getting any younger. Or whether he even knows where he is half the time.
PBO
It doesn’t matter, Merrick. They blocked you as my SCOTUS pick, and they still haven’t figured out that revenge is a dish best served cold.
Garland
As you know, I take my job very seriously, and I can’t comment on not getting picked to be on the Supreme Court. I can’t say whether I did or did not want that job, or whether I cried for days, or whether I smashed my own bathroom mirror with my hairdryer. I just say that I’m grateful Joe put me in the position I’m in now. How do they like me now, huh? Mild-mannered Merrick. Not so mild-mannered now am I!? I can arrest anyone. Humiliate anyone. LIKE THEY DID TO ME. They allowed me to give that great speech in the rose garden, and they LAUGHED at me. THEY LAUGHED. Mitch McConnell just nodded his head up and down. LOOK AT ME NOW!
Merrick Garland stands bolt upright. Face to face with President Obama.
PBO
Yes, yes. I know the feeling, Merrick. It’s been … difficult for you I’m sure.
He pats Merrick Garland’s shoulder as a droplet of flop sweat slides down Merrick’s face and onto the top of Obama’s hand. He wipes it gently on his own pants. Merrick sits slowly, carefully.
PBO
Joe should be here any minute. We have to tell him about the plan. I don’t think he knows.
Still in a trance, Merrick Garland stares into the middle distance.
PBO
Merrick? You okay?
Garland
(Softly) How do they like me now?
Just then, the door to the home opens and JOE BIDEN steps out, beaming when he sees his old boss BHO.
President Biden
Boss! Well would you look at you! You’re looking good! What are you doing here?
PBO
We had a meeting scheduled.
President Biden
Meeting?
PBO
Have a seat, Joe.
Biden nods at Obama, looks are Merrick Garland, then back at Obama.
President Biden
Do what now?
PBO
The feds raided Mar-a-Lago.
President Biden
What? Why?
PBO
Looking for something something classified, or something something January 6th or something something 2020 elections or something something Russia or something something 2024.
President Biden
They can’t do that! Not to a former President of the United States of America! What kind of a country is this? Who ordered the raid? You’re the President now, Barack! Do something! This is not the America I grew up in! It’s an abuse of power! Corruption! You don’t even know why they raided his house? Mansion, whatever. A presidential historical monument! Can you imagine if they raided MY house? You would not want to see that, trust me. Why is the FBI wasting time and money with someone who is already got voted out in 1985? This is not the America I grew up in! This is not a free country anymore!
PBO sits in the third chair. All three men are now seated in total silence. Somewhere in the distance, a lost bird chirps loudly to find its flock. An airplane hums somewhere, then fades away. The sun is high in the sky. Sweat begins to bead on the foreheads and the underarms of the men seated in the gazebo.
PBO
Calm down. The idea is to make good on our promise to indict Trump. You know, because of all of the blue-checks screeching on Twitter about it? It causes them genuine anxiety that they haven’t seen him in an orange jumpsuit yet being frog-marched off to prison. Bill Maher can’t sleep. Joy Behar can’t sleep. Rachel Maddow can’t sleep. For all they’ve done for us, we owe them this. Besides, haven’t you noticed? We have reached that point where we could literally shoot someone on Fifth Avenue, and nothing would happen to us.
President Biden
What’s happened to us, Barack? We’re not the good guys anymore.
Garland
All they had to do was give me that SCOTUS seat.
PBO
You happened to us, Joe. You did. You messed up everything. I keep getting calls. Fix this, Barack. Fix that, Barack. What do we do about Putin, Barack. What about Ukraine? What about Biden’s poll numbers? I can’t do everything.
President Biden
Come on, man. It isn’t like that.
PBO
Yes, it is Joe. Never in the history of this country has a president failed that spectacularly in his first year. Now I look like an idiot for putting you in power. But here’s the thing. Is it an abuse of power if no journalists cover it that way? We know from 2020 that the press doesn’t care anymore what we do. They’ve gone along with everything that would have been unthinkable even ten years ago. The New York Times, the Washington Post, MSNBC, CNN, the Atlantic — SALON - they’re all fully on board with all of it.
President Biden
Fully on board with what?
PBO
With EVERYTHING. They would never criticize anything you do. You should see them now on Twitter. They keep saying how this is law and order, justified, etc. It will be fine. History is written by the winners. This is how shocking moments in our history were enabled by people who either stood by and did nothing or went along with it. You just have to scare or make them angry enough, and they will dehumanize their enemy. Once that happens, you can get away with anything.
Garland
Imagine how bad his approval/disapproval would be if the press were critical of him even a little bit.
PBO
Not helpful, Merrick.
President Biden
But if what you’re saying is true, that I’m actually the President, not you, then I’m the one who has to live with this. This is MY legacy. They don’t love me like they love you.
Merrick Garland suddenly stands.
Garland
Participatory fascism. Or authoritarianism. Who knew it was THIS easy? Think about how long it took for the Left to understand the bad things Stalin did or the Germans to get why Hitler was so bad. Some of them still think Hitler was in the right. They were conditioned over time to see another group as less than human, so they could do anything they wanted. Look at the people on the left now where Trump is concerned. You can see not a glint of humanity in their eyes. The more Trump suffers, the better they feel, the better they sleep at night. They want to see him destroyed. They want to see him begging on his knees, humiliated beyond repair. We’re just giving them what they need. When we made Twitter and Facebook, and Youtube ban Trump - that was the moment that changed everything. If any journalist or politician on the Left had protested - maybe we would have stopped. But if they didn’t care about that, they’re not going to care about a raid that treats a former president like a criminal. He’s already been dehumanized to the point where we can do anything to him - put him in jail for life - and people on MSNBC or CNN or Joe and Mika, they’d cheer.
President Biden
But I thought we were the side that cared about Democracy Itself.
Garland
Democracy is overrated. It doesn’t account for 350 million people, half of whom we don’t even consider human. Does democracy mean they get a say? The human garbage? Whoever thought Democracy was a good idea? What if you hate the people you’re supposed to share it with? Democracy is what elected Trump. Democracy is allowing our country to be shared with the Ultra MAGA. Maybe Democracy isn’t the best bad option.
President Biden
You don’t mean that.
PBO
These aren’t ordinary times. Look, the guy questioned my birth certificate. It was game on from that moment. He didn’t have to do that. But he did it. He mocked a disabled reporter. He called Rosie O’Donnell fat. He made fun of John McCain. He made his bed. Now he has to lie in it. If you look at anyone’s life that closely you’re going to find some kind of crime, especially a guy who was never a lawyer, never a politician. He was in over his head.
President Biden
Will I be remembered as a Lincoln, an FDR, an LBJ? Or am I doomed to be a Truman, a Ford?
PBO
Now, Joe, the reason I called you here is that I have to get back to my own life. I’ve got a Netflix deal cooking, and I’m working on a collab with John Grisham, not to mention a Hawaiian vacation with Tom and Rita and Bruce and Patti. I gave you more than enough to work with here. I got Manchin on board with Build Back Better. I ordered the strike on Ayman al-Zawahiri. And I gave Merrick here the green light to go full fascism on Trump. Do you think you got it from here?
President Biden
Got what?
PBO
The presidency!
President Biden
Oh right. Sure.
PBO
You just gotta hang tough, big guy.
President Biden
Don’t call me that! It never happened! The deal never happened! My son’s the smartest person I know!
PBO
Ease down, Joe. Merrick’s got Hunter all taken care of. They won’t be bothering you with that. We just have to show them who’s boss. They go after Hunter; we go after them twice as hard. Don’t worry about anything. Just keep reading the teleprompter and doing what they tell you to do. We’ll get through this. When in doubt, distract them with fear.
Garland
We can always pivot to Monkeypox, back to COVID, another raid or arrest. We just keep selling them fear they’ll forget all about the bad stuff, Joe.
President Biden
And that’s good?
Garland
Oh yeah. When they think about gas prices, inflation, bad test scores, and general malaise, that’s when it’s bad for you. Remember, you’re the guy who makes them feel better. If we keep them scared, they will need the guy who makes them feel better. Empathy. It’s all about empathy.
The three men clink their glasses of lemonade and drink silently as a storm gathers on the horizon. They can’t tell what kind of storm it is, how bad it will be, or whether or not they caused it. Even if it’s a bad storm, they have a whole army of well-placed talking heads to find every reason to say there isn’t a storm and say instead that it’s a beautiful day.
It will always be a beautiful day.
Garland's son in law is founder of Panorama, an insidious software company that harvests data on schoolkids' emotions. That is why he sends the FBI after parents who object to the CRT/DEI/trans grooming.
You got your satire going on, Sasha. Puts everything in perspective and the truth is so near it hurts. At the beginning of your piece, I thought I was going to fall out of my chair laughing at Garland repeatedly saying, "As you know, I take my job very seriously, and I can’t comment .... blah, blah, blah," but by the end I was crying over the absurdity of it all -- is this really what brings America down?