Oh Lindsay. Except for the beauty, fame and fortune I was you. I remember being so young and confused. I had bulimia and I’m guessing that’s what your Nexium prescription is all about. I was depressed and I’m guessing that’s what your Zoloft and god knows what all prescription is about. You are going to kill yourself if you continue this way. Why doctors are allowing celebrities to double and triple dip on their meds even after Heath Ledger is a mystery to me. But if you want the drugs you can get the drugs. You should not be on any drugs. Underneath all of that hair dye and freckles, you are a normal young woman.

Your mistake right now is in thinking you are the victim. How dare you compare your situation to human rights abuses around the world, though. This is something you might feel deep shame about later in life and you should feel deep shame about. You are a spoiled, entitled, badly managed celebrity. And you are the one the public wants to see take a fall. When the beast has the taste of blood it will be relentless until you either die or fail so miserably at your career you end up shaving your head and hitting an SUV with a baseball bat.

1. Quit all of the drugs. You do not need them. What you need is some peace and quiet. Can you get it? Maybe if you sober up, do lots of yoga and start reading actual books and talk to a therapist, one who won’t stuff you full of drugs. You are a drug addict. A textbook drug addict at that. You are someone who is only not using now because you have been forced to stop. Once they get off of your back you will go right back down that road again. This will kill you and it isn’t going to make the public love you the way they did Marilyn Monroe. You are not Marilyn – and thank god for that, right?

2. Go to College. That’s right. Enroll in a university and learn a thing or two so you won’t be such a dumbass. Being a pretty celebrity is not a good long term plan. It doesn’t last and you are past your sell-by date. You’re not even thirty but you look forty. Moreover, the public isn’t going to give you a break – no matter how good your performances are. Go to college. Get an awareness of the bigger picture. Partying with assholes is only going to get you so far.

3. Lose the luggage. The hangers-on are the worst of the worst. They are there only to tell you what you want to hear. Your mother loves you but she is too willing to see you as the victim and not make you accountable for your actions. Perhaps because she feels guilty for selling her daughters to fame. Or maybe she feels guilty for some other reason. But right now, she is not a healthy influence on you. Get clean and free of the people who make excuses for you.

4. Stop dyeing your hair blonde and puffing up your lips. You are too young and too pretty to start destroying yourself. No one looks at you and thinks, “wow, she’s so hot.” They look at you and they think, “god, how sad.” Get a grip or you’ll be headed for porn.

5. Stop the sleazy photo shoots and sleazy movies. This is not helping your career. You think this is the way to go because, maybe, you get more attention this way. You are getting the wrong attention. You are getting attention from people who have no loyalty. They will turn on you the second someone else walks by who is hotter. And there are hundreds of them, Lindsay. Hundreds. Think: what do you have to offer the world that is unique? You can act well. That’s pretty much it. Fill up your soul and your mind.

Or die.

It’s your choice. But trying to wriggle out of this jail sentence because “it’s NOT FAIR!” is just going to land you in much more trouble. Accept that you took advantage of the courts (who were already being too nice, in my opinion), suck it up and deal. You are not the center of the universe and no one cares if you whine or cry. As I said, the public is invested in seeing you fall.