Musings and Mirth
My dad is dying. He’s really finally going. He’s been going for a year now about. I watched the slow decline of someone who did not think anything was wrong with him, refused any sort of treatment for what ailed him, and then his body just decided it was time to let go. It’s been a long road, his death. And he isn’t quite ready yet. Somehow his strong heart keeps beating. I am realizing that death brings us to a point of celebration and love we couldn’t really get to before they pass. I am watching his friends and family come together to show him their love which is kind of amazing.
I don’t really write much here. No one really blogs as such anymore. They use Facebook or Twitter because the response is immediate – you can reach a much larger audience that way. No one reads this anymore – or ever – so it’s a “safe space” for me now to write if I feel like it. Tonight I feel like it because I want to record the time my daughter Emma and I went to his hospital room and watched Black Panther as he lay dying. He was in the VA in Westwood before moving to the hospice, where he is now. He was obsessed with watching the movie Dark Tower, starring Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey. It’s not very good to me but to him it’s the greatest film ever made. It revolves around – at least as far as I can tell – a boy with special powers who has to be sent off to a school where they “understand” him better. My dad was sent off to school by grandmother because she – a single working mom in the 1930s and 1940s – could not care for him. He was a troubled kid – theft, drugs, eventually gangs before he found Jazz drumming as an outlet. He’s known in jazz circles of LA as a bit of a legend when it comes to drumming. One time his jazz friends came to his hospital room and jammed with him. He picked up his drums and played on a practice pad with them.
When people we love die we do have to come to some sort of conclusion about them. Were they good to us? Good to the world? Were they bad? We’re all a mixture of both, I would imagine, despite the internet’s mass hysteria daily that seeks to roust out anyone not “pure” and “good.” We all do make mistakes. Someday I’ll tell the whole story of my dad but for now I want to just leave it at: to most people he was never “enough.” Not enough of a son. Not enough of a man, not enough of a father or a husband. But to me he really was. As hard as it was to communicate with him at times he was a man of great kindness and compassion. THAT is something I will dearly miss.
So here’s to you, pops. Please do go gently into that great night. You have earned a little peace.
Sometimes when I watch movies now I think that film criticism is a waste of time, a waste of art, and a waste of human emotions. You can pick apart any movie but where does that get you? What road does it take you down? To have standards? To express your opinion? I’m not sure. I’ve seen this Peter Weir movie dozens of times, back when I had no clue what it was about and now, when I know what it’s about.
Mel Gibson has to be the gold standard of handsome in this. And sure, that’s probably a lot of the reason why I still watch it. But I also think it’s a nice blend of politics and love. It’s strange and beautiful but overall the message is about journalism. When a story is more important than loyalties. I think the film sides against the journalist but it’s a tough call when something is that important, civil war and all.
I wrote this on Medium back when people though there was no chance he ever would.
I dreamed Donald Trump was president
I dreamed Donald Trump was president. It felt like any other day in America, if all you knew of America was what you saw on Reality TV. Trump was the indestructible villain who week after week remained in the race, or the house, or the relationship, or the job — no matter how many nauseating traits of a sociopath he revealed. For some, he was clearly a monster. But for those who grew up watching monsters for fun, he had just what they wanted. They wanted a spectacle and he gave them one.
They knew him because he spoke a crude form of Twitter that any child could grasp. His sloppy hashtags and off-key memes were absurdly compelling. He threw bizarre baby tantrums online then reeled them back in just as weirdly. Then came the allure of money. Rumored vaults full of money. With it, he bought tons things. Pretty things and gaudy things. Expensive things that nevertheless looked horribly cheap. No building was too high, no faucets too gold, no wife too perfectly plastic. None of this remotely resembled a normal American Dream but it was the dream of many millennials because reality TV had raised them to think that way.
Just land a spot on a show, prove you can survive some silly make-believe hardships, and voila! — become a celebrity and an overnight millionaire. Who cares if you got rich from sleaze, got fame from scandal, and built your empire on corruption. Chasing that spotlight, it doesn’t matter if they hate you as long as they’re talking about you. Some people will do whatever it takes. No selfie is ever too racy, no gaffe is ever too coarse. As long as it all goes viral, your following will surge. Whatever the backlash, simply feign regret and move on. From one mess and clean-up to the next, your empire just keeps growing. In a world where maximum notoriety reigns supreme, being notorious to the max is its own self-sustaining reward.
Hillary doesn’t come from that world. In her world fashion is trivial, pretension is pointless, and her well-earned status is no big deal. If esteem serves a higher purpose, that’s fine, but ostentation for its own sake is pathetic. She only does selfies because she has to. Hillary shows no sign of vanity and that’s turned out to be terribly disconcerting to some in America 2016 where vanity is all. “How can you go out with bags under your eyes? What do you mean you don’t have a trainer and no unattainable goal weight to stress about? Why not indulge in lip plumpers and fillers and Botox and hair dye?”
I dreamed Donald Trump was president and far too few Americans did anything to stop it. Those who wanted to, couldn’t stop it if they tried — the forces of media manipulation were too persuasive, too pervasive. It was a reality show with great ratings, frightfully fascinating stars, and a parade of wacky guest stars. There they are, The Trumps — The Kardashians of Manhattan — gleaming Aryan children flanking The Donald, the whole family jutting as much arrogant chin implants as cosmetic surgery can fabricate. He’s famous so they’re famous, so yay! we’re all famous! because he’s going to be our President! Ivanka, Melania, the creepy Trump boys whose personalities seem disturbingly interchangeable, with their vacant mannequin expressions (“lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes…”).
They will provide most of America with the satisfaction they so hungrily crave from all of our TV reality stars — an opportunity for us to feel we’re better than they are. Since very few of us are frauds to such a surreal extent, deep down we know we are better than the Trumps. So, yes, a good solid half of America can afford to love them. And do love them. Far too many of us get a kick out of this freak show and we don’t want it to end.
Imagine, an ongoing Trump storyline as he faces a flustered Congress because, oops! — the president decided it was a good idea to threaten North Korea with a nuke. “Who’s gonna stop me. Lyin’ Congress? Crooked Congress? They can’t stop me. There’s scrawny Paul Ryan, what’s he gonna do? Flex his pecs at me?” Then the Trump show confronts protesters who gather around the site of whatever reckless pipeline he’s just approved. “They think they can stop me from making America great again? Oil is thicker than drinking water, and a helluva lot more profitable, believe me!” The Trump show in season two goes to an international emergency summit to stop a giant blob of trash from suffocating the entire Pacific Ocean. “Who cares about fish. They’re fishy, those failed fish! Nobody wants fish when they can have a Trump steak.” The loyal Trump audience tunes in to watch as Melania Trump goes to an elementary school to read a Dr. Seuss story:
I have been wanting to put down my thoughts about raising my beautiful daughter somewhere. I guess this is as good a place as any. I laid down my head last night, once again putting another day to bed. That meant one whole day was now gone as time sets its paces through our lives. I feel time now. I feel every second of it. I feel it passing because its finite nature has struck me. I will die soon. Of course, not immediately I hope. But I’ve lived 51 years and that means my time is limited from now on. I can feel things slowing down a little. I can feel just a little more tired one day and a little less ambitious. The most important thing of my life has been raising my daughter. I still can’t believe I actually gave birth to this person whom I’ve watched grow up for the last 18 years. I can’t believe it’s been that long and I can’t believe she is about to start her life as an adult in New York City, attending NYU’s Gaming Design Center. It’s all I can do not to pack my bags and move out there, too. I know that we can’t hover as parents. We have to be able to let them go. But it’s harder than I thought it would be. The day has arrived and all I want to do is slow down time. If I stay up until midnight will that slow down the days?
I remember the moment clearly. I remember when it hit me what a long road ahead I had. My daughter was a bundle. A small bundle I’d not let go of for the first two weeks after her birth. I couldn’t let her go because even then I was worried about what might happen to her. Close to me was the safest place for her. And I believe that still today. As a single parent, I was the protector of this kid. I knew one thing: I did not want to fuck it up. Of course, she ended up getting bitten by a dog and could have died. She fell in the swimming pool twice and could have died. Accidents happen. Even the most watchful parent can be caught unaware. Life is unpredictable. Its nature requires that it be. We just know two things. We are born and we die.
I remember it because I was staring at her car seat as I affixed it to the backseat. I thought what a hassle just that one act was and I remember thinking, this is your life for the next 18 years. It seemed like such a daunting, exhausting thing just staring at that car seat. And but for a few times when she woke up from her nap and interrupted yoga or a movie this kid has been a pure joy to raise. There has never been anything I wanted to do more than hanging out with her. She was kind and sweet and honest. She worked hard as a student and an artist. She’s not perfect – she inherited my slob gene. What I want you to know is this: it has never been harder than it was wonderful.
We are spending our summer so far like we always have. Two peas in a pod who would rather stay in and read or do computer or art projects than go out to parties or events. I have until August 28th where she will move into her dorm room in New York City. It is causing me some panic because I will be a whole continent away. I have to trust that she will be okay. And if she isn’t, that there are people there who will look out for her. I have to hope these things because I have no other choice.
In the end, people might ask me if I have any regrets because I never became a filmmaker or I never had that happy marriage or published a novel (not yet anyway). But I would say that nothing has ever mattered to me more than raising this kid and making sure she had a happy life. Just that, only that. I could die tomorrow and I would happy having done just that alone. I have thought about the meaning of life a lot, both as a young person and throughout my life. I know that there is no meaning to it, that humans aren’t particularly special despite our big brains, and that there is no fate and there is no God. There is only life and death and all of the things that happen in the seconds in between.
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Yeah, it's like that.
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