Starfuckers on Twitter

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A funny modern times/olden times phenom: this idea that celebrities are somehow more interesting than regular people. Most of the time, they are not. The only really interesting people on Twitter are really interesting people. Celebrities, most of them, fall way short of that. But try telling that to the minions of tweeters who like to @ the celebs. And if they ever get any notice by the celebs, suddenly the @ tweets start flying.

Maybe the celeb notices the one worshipful, thoughtfully composed, publicly displayed rubber-necking. Maybe they see it land amid their millions of followers who all, no doubt, retweet the tweets that tumble out of the celebs Twitter.

“you r amazing! Thank U all who came to see us!” Translation: thanks for helping my career and my success. Thanks for turning out and buying something. Thanks for loving me.

“B kind to yr friends in Haiti!” Translation: the obligatory socially conscious tweet that celebs insert in between self-promotion tweets.
“The moon glows in the sky. The world is alone.” Translation: the supposedly intelligent celeb who is too deep to self-promote, too self-conscious to forward a cause but is forced to have a Twitter presence and connect with the great opportunity FOR self-promotion. Either they’re forced to or they like to — some of them like to talk to us nobodies. And then get flooded with the @s back.

“Does everyone wear mashed potatoes on their tie for character?” Translation: I’m a funny twitterer because I’m a funny person in real life. I might have a book to sell soon or a show to promote so I keep my audience hooked with the occasional joke, mostly obscure.

“Boing.” Translation: The Jim Carrey meme when he kind of lost his marbles online and started boinging right and left. But it just turned out to be harmless fun in the end; Carrey doesn’t need Twitter — it appears to be something he just likes to do. He mostly sends spiritual messages to his millions of followers and occasionally showcases his paintings.

“#charliesheen Translation: trying to keep a dead joke alive. If it’s Charlie himself, well, he’s trying to tap into the millions who followed him within minutes.

Truth be told, there are so many great tweeters out there – some who truly master the form. They can be informative, funny, personal, insightful. They never waste your time. Never. Recently, the Times of the London released a list of their top 100 twitterers – TIME mag did the same.

And wouldn’t you know, amid the handful of truly great and well known tweeters, like @ebertchicago and @susanorlean, all of the celebrities who give Twitter a bad name and render it pointless, not to mention what it does to our society as a whole: you never really want to look into that full length mirror for very long. You won’t like what you see. Kim Kardashian, Katy Perry, Britney Spears – they are all the celebs with the most followers. Yes, really. And their tweets are, well, ordinary. What do they give us?

They give us contact with the famous. Impersonal contact but contact nonetheless.

Yes, Twitter is a great tool for self-promotion. I use it for that myself. It is a great way to stay in touch with those who know about you. I’m not complaining about that part of it. I am complaining about mainstream media making up lists of great tweeters and including celebrities simply because they’re celebrities.

Here is a list of the top people (celebs, of course) on Twitter and their latest tweet. Of course, it goes without saying that there are some good tweeters with a high follower count – Barack Obama, Ellen…

1. @ladygaga (9,154,448)
I begin next month as a Fashion+Art Columnist for @VMagazine. + I’ll be resurrecting “TRANSMISSION GAGAVISION” episodes starting next week!

2. @justinbieber (8,520,052)
http://twitvid.com/GTVQD – Damn @kennyhamilton you can sang. lol APRIL FOOLS

3. @britneyspears (7,306,316)
If you guys dont know @SabiBangz yet, you should def get to know her better. She’s amazing. http://on.mtv.com/gVsZvW -Britney

4. @barackobama (7,235,326)
We cannot afford to bet our long-term prosperity and security on a resource that will eventually run out. Not anymore. http://OFA.BO/QzdrP3 6:43 AM Mar 31st via HootSuite

5.@kimkardashian (6,971,311)
I love this site http://kimkardashianweb.com Thank you doll for making this & upkeeping it. It means everything to me!

6. @aplusk (Ashton Kutcher)(6,514,870)
If you would like to help with our #ideajam search #ideajam all our participants will be posting ideas there for the next 48hrs

7. @katyperry (6,481,056)
♥ THANK YOU WALES! ♥
Note: it is Perry’s “dirty, sexy” tweets with hubby @rustyrockets that keep her fans intrigued.

8. @theellenshow (Ellen Degeneres) (6,310,099)
Y’all know I’m multi-talented. It turns out I’m also fluent in baby. http://ellen.tv/exlnAg
Note: I think she is the one exception to the celeb rule – her tweets are always pretty great.

9.@taylorswift13 (5,804,401)
Wow. I’m still the same as I was in elementary school- the last to realize it’s April Fools day. WAY confused until someone reminds me.

10. @oprah (5,473,430)
#OprahLiveTweet: We’re live tweeting at 8/7c on Sunday. All the way through Master Class. Will answer ur questions live

You can check out the power lists here – but it is all basically the same. You have to drill down pretty deep to find the tweeters who are popular because they are good rather than famous.

Observations:

People like to follow celebrity tweeters because they having direct contact with them, even if they are only one of five or six or nine million others.

Celebrities are not more interesting than regular people. Twitter is proof of this.

And the weirdest thing in all of this? Just because I put the name Kim Kardashian in this post, maybe paired up with fucker, I will get hits. This is one thing I know for sure.




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