I’m not here to preach to people about breastfeeding. Nothing is more irritating than nazi-mommies forcing people to breastfeed. Yes, everyone knows it is best. But sometimes it just doesn’t work. Period. You can this or that but the truth is that sometimes a woman can’t, a baby won’t, or the milk just never done come.

We moms pretty much accept this as one of the many things women like to degrade or impress each other with. Whose a better mommy, you or me? Oh, did you give birth naturally? I did! And it didn’t hurt. It was spiritual! How about you? Oh, really? Oh, that’s too bad. Yeah, bite me. If there is one thing one learns after the trials and tribulations of motherhood, it’s that these little power trips we play to one another mean absolutely nothing in the long run.

It’s hard to get this message across to pregnant, first-time moms. They all feel “the pressure” of having to give birth naturally or breastfeed for two years. Or organic baby food or Einstein baby or preschool or … it makes your head spin. Healthy mom, healthy baby. That is all that matters in the end.

But here’s the thing, these bozos like Kim Kardashian keep coming forward with their stoopid declarations of misinformation, spreading them to their legions of brainless followers and no one plans to set the record straight, I feel sure, because no one is much interested in WHAT Kim Kardashian has to say. Needless to say, here comes the doozy:

Though she’s not ready to settle down just yet, reality star Kim Kardashian says she looks forward to one day being a mom like her big sister Kourtney.

“In five years I would hope to be settled down, have a baby or two,” the 29-year-old Allure cover girl reveals. “I always thought, ‘For sure, when I’m 30, I’ll have four kids, like my mom.”

Though she doesn’t have a baby just yet, Kim already has a plan for breastfeeding firmly in place.

“They say that after a year, there’s no nutrients,” she says.

Anyone who breasfteeds after a year knows that the kid isn’t doing it for the nutrients particularly. But they need the comfort. If your baby doesn’t have a bottle or a thumb, chances are he or she is going to need your breast. So be ready to commit. Comfort, though, is probably AS IMPORTANT as nutrients. So, Kim, give up after a year and no one is going to judge you. I promise. Look at Jennifer Lopez. She decided not to even try to breastfeed — is anyone surprised? She couldn’t be bothered to them tugged at and chewed on and left deflated and forgotten. So Kim, if you even make it a year everyone will applaud you. There is no need to go beyond a year. Just don’t make up some dumb reason why you’re quitting.

I did breastfeed my daughter for two and a half years and I did ween her. I don’t know how long she would have breastfed if I hadn’t weened her. I weened her because I could not take it anymore. And I knew that if I couldn’t take it anymore, that wasn’t going to be good for the baby. If I had been unable to take it prior to that, I would have weened her. And she would have been fine.

We women need to stop judging and acting as though good mothering is suffering through natural childbirth of breastfeeding for five years. Seriously. When I went in for labor I really did have every intention of doing the natural thing because I actually wanted to see what women have had to endure for six million years. I would have tried but my doctor wanted to “speed things along” and so he ruptured my membranes.

He ruptured my membranes.

That is something you never want a doctor to do. Trust me. Unless your life is at risk. It will remind you of “all those tedious sticky fumblings in the backseats of cars,” as Hannibal would say.

Shortly thereafter, because my poor body thought the baby was in danger, contractions started immediately. But they weren’t coming fast enough, so next thing you know they have me on a Pitocen drip. And that brought on contractions so hard and fast, no human being, not even all of the moms I’ve had to listen to brag about the natural childbirth. So of course, the epidural came next. And once I was strapped in, needled up and basically paralyzed, the doctors had me exactly where they wanted me, which was: in their complete control.

I was depressed. I was disappointed in myself. I wanted to say that I did it naturally. I wanted to see what it felt like, for chrissakes.

After the end of it, I was complaining to the nurse while holding my perfect, perfect little girl in my arms and she said flatly and painly, “healthy mom, healthy baby. That’s all that matters.”

And she was right. Righter than even SHE knew. As I have raised my daughter these twelve years I always remember her words because natural childbirth is one thing. Breastfeeding is one thing. Raising a great, compassionate, responsible, smart human being is entirely another. The kid thing? It’s not about us. It’s about THEM.