This weekend, my brother-in-law, my niece and my daughter thought it was a good time to revisit Matilija Canyon for what may become an annual hike to the swimming holes up there.¬† They really are nice when the water is running high.¬† This year, there wasn’t much rain so the swimming holes weren’t up to their usual saturated luster – moss covered, murky.¬† We had a cool breeze this time, and it wasn’t as hot as last year’s hike and so there wasn’t much to complain about.¬† Except for the fact that I did almost pulled the entire toenail off my big toe while slipping comically into one of the deeper pools way up high.¬† That was fun. It was even more fun when I kicked at least three big rocks, toe first, on the way down.
There are things in life that I’ll remember as I plow the older years.¬† Once you get off the youth track you see what life was about for the last two decades – your prime passing by, like the best things you’ve ever seen at 50 miles per hour.¬† I’ve made choices that determine how I spend most of my time.¬†¬† Mainly, being a mom.¬† My work determines how I spend my days – glued to the computer screen.¬† But memories like this hike this year and the year before embed themselves in ways you can’t imagine.
The brightness of the California sun scalding the flora but feeding the fruit trees that line the path up through the canyon.¬† The blueness of the sky which never really looks that color in Los Angeles – bright cerulian blue.¬† The way the stones and pebbles grind under your shoes while you crunch your way up the hill. The tiny scratches the brush makes on your burning skin as you move down the trail towards the water.¬† The sound of the rolling water and there is no other sound.¬† The icy coldness of it when you first step in, slippery moss under feet.¬† The happiness of the kids jumping, diving, splashing.¬† Then they get out and they’re hot all over again.¬† And as the sun sinks low and makes long shadows – everything gets yellow and we make our way back down the long trail to our car.
Walking back down it always feels so much longer than I’d remembered it being.¬† It’s a long walk because by then everything hurts and all you want is a long hot shower and bed.¬† We settled for Thai food in Ojai.
For some reason I couldn’t sleep that night, though.¬† I tossed and turned with the usual worries on my mind – namely the upcoming trip to Italy to see Emma’s dad and how much I didn’t want to go.¬† I didn’t want to go for so many reasons but she really wants to go and because of that I’m going.¬† Before you say “why wouldn’t you want to go to Italy?”¬† And my answer would be: because it just feels so wrong.¬† Her father has this new girlfriend and they have this new life and all he wants is to spend time with her and here we come along from America demanding time with him.¬† It cuts into his summer, it cuts into his life – as kids do.¬† You don’t know this, you can’t settle for it and adapt around it, unless you’ve raised a kid.¬† Since he still barely knows her this is an impossibility.
So I think this will be the last time I make this trip possible – we’ll have to wait and see I guess.¬† If he wants to see her I think it’s appropriate for me to say — okay, you want to see her, you fly over.¬† But I think he’ll find a way to talk himself out of it, as he did for most of her young life until I finally flew her over there when she was about seven.¬† He isn’t a bad man.¬† He just doesn’t really get it yet. Maybe he will someday, after he and the girlfriend get married and have their own kids.¬† Maybe then he’ll understand what it all means.¬† Maybe.¬† And I should add that he has always been kind and his family very accommodating.¬† I guess I just realized that it’s a lot for them to deal with – their whole vacation or whatever.¬† So last year it kind of sunk in a bit.¬† We’ll see how it goes this year.
So I came up with a plan to cut our trip short by five days and fly over to Paris.¬† It’s going to cost more than I have to spend but I think it’s worth it.¬† And it’s the one thing getting me motivated to do this.¬†¬† And with thoughts of Paris I as finally able to sleep, with or without the throbbing big toe.
